What hurts a narcissist but doesn't hurt normal people?
Narcissists act confident but are very sensitive to criticism. They can't laugh at themselves and rely on others' kindness to escape their bad behavior. Over time, this can hurt the self-esteem of the people around them, making them feel isolated and unsure of themselves. Covert narcissists are especially tricky because they seem charming to friends and family, making it hard for their victims to get support. It's important to leave a narcissist as soon as you notice these behaviors and find a therapist who understands narcissism.
A. Narcissists, for all their bluster about their supposed greatness and bravado, are very thin-skinned. They don’t like to hear any criticism of themselves, no matter how minor. As an old expression says, “They can dish it out, but they can’t take it.” This is why narcissists have absolutely no sense of humor about themselves and their quirks. In this way, narcissists are strikingly different than normal people with a self-deprecating sense of humor.
Narcissists rely on the graciousness, empathy, and emotional flexibility of most normal people in order to get away with their emotionally damaging way of relating. The narcissist’s method of relating can sometimes be barely noticeable to the normal people they’ve conditioned to be accustomed to it. Most people don’t like confrontation, and they don’t want to rock the boat. So normal people may let a lot of the narcissist’s bad behavior slide, and may even be in denial about it.
The problem for most normal people in a work or family relationship with a narcissist is that this imbalance in proper and improper behavior between the normal person and the narcissist will eventually chip-chip-chip away at the self-esteem of the normal person. There will come a day when the normal person doesn’t even recognize themselves and wonders what happened. The truly awful part is that the narcissist’s slow “self-esteem reduction program,” combined with a narcissist’s attempts to replace the normal person’s friends with their flying monkeys, makes the normal person emotionally hobbled, isolated, and less able to leave.
If the narcissist is a covert-type narcissist, the normal person may not be able to get support from family and friends. The family and friends may think that the covert narcissist is charming, and may (ironically) wonder about the relationship skills of the normal person.
That’s why it’s important to leave a narcissist as soon as you recognize this slow drip-drip-drip of comments and self-esteem-reducing behavior, even if it seems tolerable or forgivable. (Narcissists are masters at plausible deniability.) It takes a long time for a normal person to break, but eventually, you find yourself isolated and alone. If you are in that spot right now, seek out a therapist who understands narcissism. Not all therapists do, so it’s important to interview them before committing to one.
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